Broken & Beautiful

I have listened to this song over and over again.  I absolutely love it.  It just feels so very applicable at so many times in my life.  So, a little bit of background.  A few years ago, I was officially told I got to be one of the luck ones dealing with depression.  I went on medication, with my own hope and expectation of it being a temporary fix for me while I figured things out.  And it was, for a little while.  Then I started having my medical issues, trips to the hospital, emergency room, surgeries, and lost Dad.  The time to try going off medication again felt like it would never come.  And, it didn't.   Instead, I got to change medications, figure out a new dosage, and start doing therapy.  I started not only having issues with depression, but also anxiety.  I will admit, there were days that, for me, getting out of bed and being with people just was not an option.  A crowd felt like two people.  

Now, I have always been of the opinion that therapy and medications are a great thing.  But, admitting I also needed that help was very difficult.  I think there's a brain block.  I'm in a helping profession, so really I shouldn't need help.  It's just not true.  I don't know if I had another job if things would be different.  Maybe the anxiety and depression would have manifested things in another way.  Maybe they never would have surfaces, or maybe I just wouldn't have recognized them for what they are.  Depression and anxiety are real.  They are scary.  They are tough to understand.  They don't always make sense.  That's been so tough for me to accept.  I want to be able to reason, rationalize, and work through.  Truth is, mental health is just not like that.  Mental health concerns are very real and appreciate there is more talk about them, even though there is still the stigma regarding them that I hope goes away in time.  In being perfectly honest, I am very fortunate.  I am educated enough to be able to recognize the signs and symptoms.  I have good insurance to help me access the help I need.  I have understanding friends, family, and coworkers to support me, even though I don't really share everything/anything with them.  I am also fortunate that I've not been to the depths of wanting to hurt myself or anyone else.  I tend to hide more than act out.  These are blessings that I count myself very fortunate for.  

Yes, I am broken.  I don't think I'll be fully fixed in this life.  I have the help I need physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  So, if there's any point to my long rambling it's this - we're all broken in some way.  Whether the help you need is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, there is help.  No one needs to walk this world alone and for that I am super grateful.